Rick Copes

This week's episode of The Walking Dead was filmed before a live studio audience

“Dad, wait!” Carl said aloud (with all the charisma and conviction of a doorstop) as he exited the empty prison halls out into the yard. 

Rick stops raking leaves and empty bullet casings for a moment to turn and address his son. “What is it, Coral?” he says.

[audience applause]

“Dad. It is T-Dog. He is dead.” Carl replies, wooden.

[audience lets out a collective scandalous WOOOOOOO]

Rick drops the rake and falls to his knees. “Oh no no no no...” he begins to sob. “Oh God, Why?! Why T-Dog?!” his screams now attracting the attention of the others, who begin to crowd around him, quietly watching as he grieves. 

Lori, his wife, walks over, baby firmly in one arm, puts the other arm on Rick's shoulder. 

“It'll be okay, sweetie. You still have us. “Look at your daughter. Look at Judith. She loves you, Rick. She needs you.”

[audience AWWWWW]

Close up on Rick's face as he sneers. "Why couldnt it have been you instead?" he says, disgusted.

“But Rick, we love you!” Lori exclaims.

“WHY DO YOU HAVE TO REMIND ME?!” Rick then exclaims as he slaps her hand away. Jude starts to cry. Rick then slaps the child out of Lori's hands and on to the ground. He then pulls his sheriff issue revolver sidearm and shoots the baby, silencing her.

“GODDAMNIT LORI, YOU ARE THE WORST!” he then barks.

[audience cheers]

“Yeah, Lori, you really are the worst” says Zombie-Shane from the small crowd of onlookers.

[the male members of the audience begin whooping, barking it. Close up of random audience member, a white male, red-faced, in his mid-forties, with a mullet.]

“Lori really is the worst” Andrea agrees, as she slinks up behind Zombie-Shane, wrapping one arm around his chest, fingering the bullet hole that killed him, while her other arm is clumsily groping at the dead thing between his legs that used to be his cock.

[audience laughs]

Michonne walks up behind Zombie-Shane and gestures for Andrea to move aside. Michonne then draws her sword and decapitates Zombie-Shane. She then faces the audience and bows and blows kisses. 

[30 straight seconds of applause]

Carol appears on the screen, holding a phone receiver in her hand. The cord from the phone stretches into the distance, someplace off-screen. 

“Rick, there is a phone call. He sounds a little bit like Liam Neeson. Like maybe a poor man's Liam Neeson” she says as she hands him the phone.

“Listen, now really isn't a good time. I just found out that- OH GOD..." Rick whines into the phone, pausing to put his entire fist into his mouth for a moment to stifle his sobs."...That T-Dog has passed away”

“I don't know who you are, but I have a certain skill-set, and I will find you” the voice replies.

“Oh, its just The Governor” Rick says as he rolls his eyes

[audience laughs]

“What do you want, The Governor?” Rick then asks

“I don't know who you are, but I have a certain skill-set, and I will find you” 

“Its...It's me Rick. Over at the prison. You called me.”

“I don't know who you are, but I have a certain skill-set, and I will find you”

“You called me! It's Rick! No need to have to find me. You know where I am. At the prison. Like I just said. What can I do for you, The Governor?”

“Oh. Is Andrea there?”

[audience laughs]

“Andrea, its for you.” Rick says as he hands the phone over to her. She takes the phone and starts rubbing it against her crotch vigorously, falling on the ground and rolling around in the dirt as she does so.

[audience collectively AWWWWWWWWWs at this tender moment]

Suddenly, from off screen Glen's voice can be heard. “Rick! Rick!”

“What is it, Glen?” he asks as he stands up and walks over to him.

“Rick, you aren't going to believe this! There is a new group of people coming to live with us! And they have two black guys! TWO! Both of them from HBO's The Wire!” Glen gleefully explains. 
Rick just looks at him sadly, giving him a million-mile stare. “Whats the matter, Rick? I thought you'd be happy. You love black guys.” he asks, genuinely concerned.

[cue dramatic piano music as we close up on Rick's glassy eyes as he stares off into the distance]

“It's just...I don't know if....if I can, Glen. After T-Dog...I dont know if i'll ever be able to love again.” Rick says, voice cracking.

“Look, there are two of them, both from HBO's The Wire...they cant both possibly be killed off randomly, right?” Glen says. Rick just looks away. Glen grabs Rick's chin and pushes Rick's face up, forcing him into looking directly at him. “Riiiiiight?” Glen continues, playfully.

“Aw, Glen. You always know just what to say.” Rick says with a smile. 

Glen gently kisses Rick on the cheek and then the two men hug.

[Audience applause]

From off screen Daryl walks over and joins in on the hug, aggressively cupping both Glen and Rick's asses.

[audience AWWWWWs]

The three men start to kiss.

[audience applauds, fade out]

[cue ending theme music from “Mamma's family”]

Post credits scene:
Herschel comes limping on to the scene, out of breath, looking exasperated.
"What'd I miss? Wheres T-Dog?"